By Sayyed | February 20, 2016
The average Muslim spends between 3-5 years before reaching a decision on who to marry.
Following these 3 simple rules will, inshallah, ensure that you make the best possible marriage decision.
But before we look at the rules, lets just spend a moment taking a look at the primary incentive as to why we all want to get married.
LOVE….We all have a need for it. Love is what makes us whole. It transforms us. It gives us a reason to take immense action. As the saying goes, “Love makes the world go round”. Those who have never experienced it will nearly always feel a sense of emptiness inside. Love, in its various forms, is the elixir that makes life worth living.
Do you believe that in order to make a decision on who to marry, (i.e. before any engagement period) we must first experience the feeling of love towards your partner to be?
Many take love to be a pre-requisite emotion needed before making a marriage decision. What I am going to say may sound a little counter-intuitive. Bear with me.
Looking for love as a pre-requisite to marriage is a big mistake. Don’t do it. It could just ruin your life.
Why all the anti-love talk?
The reason is this…
Allah (SWT), in his divine mercy, bestows the gift of love and compassion upon ALL those that marry.
Why then spend your time looking for something that can only occur, in its most purest and productive form, after marriage has taken place?
I can hear the murmur of objection already.
If love infects every single marriage, why do an ever increasing number of Muslim marriages fail?
The answer is simple.
Here is a short example to explain.
Feed water to a seed, which has at its disposal ideal nutrition and climate conditions, and the result is:
The creation of a magnificent plant or tree.
However, change one element, say access to sunlight, and the task of achieving the same level of success becomes near impossible.
Pouring more water on the plant simply will not work. One needs to first re-aligned the various elements to start reaping the benefits offered by the same water.
It needs to be exposed to the right elements and protected by the damaging elements in order to unleash its regenerative power upon couples.
Within the context of marriage then, whilst love and compassion towards one another is guaranteed at the outset, the longevity of that love is not.
1) How well the couples are aligned with regards to compatibility and
2) Where compatibility is lacking, how willing the couples are to make changes….changes that will protect the divine gift of love and allow the full flow of Allah’s gift into their relationship.
Couples have not spent enough time researching whether they are truly compatible in all the main areas that matter in ones life and
When incompatibility issues arise, individuals within the partnership are not willing to make the necessary changes WITHIN THEMSELVES to help support the marriage.
When individuals begin looking for a marriage partner the 6 most common things you will hear being searched for is:
They has to be a “connection” or “click”.
I have to be attracted to the other person.
I need to be able to have a conversation with my partner
They have got to make me laugh
They have got to be a professional and earning good money.
They have got to get on with my family.
An honest question:
If you are a single Muslim and found someone who met all of the above criteria, how many of you would be convinced that they had uncovered the answer to their dreams?
I’m guessing there a quite a few of you out there who would be more then content if all of these qualities aligned themselves in the partner of your choosing.
Whilst there is a value in all of the above qualities, I would like to pose a question.
Is this really a suitable enough depth to go in your bid to ascertain LIFE-LONG compatibility?
Take a look at the above list again to see if you can spot a potentially fatal pattern.
Nearly every single one of the above “essential” criteria for spouse selection is based on a quality that is easily changeable.
“Connections” can easily be broken within seconds by being the recipient of a condescending comment.
How attractive would you find a person who, through their tongue, insults you?
How enjoyable really is the humour of a person who can make you laugh through belittling others? Perhaps their humour could turn against you?
How wealthy is the person whose greed prevents them from spending?
If your aim is to establish a LIFE of love and happiness then you are going to need to move from a criteria which is at best superficial, to a criteria that is based upon self reflection, wisdom, long-term planning and investigation.
When looking for a compatible spouse you need to follow 3 essential rules, which if done well, could lead to untold happiness and success.
Before you even start your search you need to understand who you are. If you have not spent time understanding yourself, how are you ever going to be able to recognise YOUR perfect match?
Knowing whether the glove fits the hand, requires one to first investigate the hand itself.
You could start by asking yourself these 5 questions:
What type of character do I have? (Are you kind/caring, moody, aggressive, honesty, untrustworthy, faithful etc)
What qualities do I have that could support a successful marriage
What qualities do I have that may impinge on the development of a successful marriage.
How good am I at adaptability and change
What long terms goals would I like to achieve after I am married.
Mohabba has produced a helpful 38 page essential guide with over 100 questions which you should ask yourself, as well as your partner, before you decide to get married.
Islam has taught us that as humans we have been gifted with the potential and duty to achieve excellence in all aspects of our life. A common problem however that we see is that humans have a tendency to excel in one area of their life, but often at the detriment of other areas.
To be a Master at life you must concentrate on achieving a balance in your life.
There is really no point in spending your days acquiring wealth if this means that you have no time to spend with your wife/husband, children or family.
Because being a husband or wife is one of the most rewarding (and challenging) roles you will ever encounter, focusing on building a balanced life with your partner will be one of the best mindsets to start adopting. The infographic below shows you the key areas of life which you need to keep in mind as you travel through life. You need to continually ask yourself:
How “healthy “ am I in this area of my life?
Fundamentally, you you should not neglect to investigate how “healthy” your prospective partner is in each of these areas as well.
What is the difference? Personality is susceptible to change. It is the persona which you display in front of others. Often people will hide there true selves behind the disguise of a persona. Confusing personality with character is a dangerous mistake.
Character, is very different from personality. Character is who we are, not what we can at times pretend to be. Remember, the Prophet Mohammad’s PBUH primary objective was to correct the character, not personality, of the people.
Character traits are often learned from the social interactions and the values we adhere to. Once formed, they are hard to change and therefore trying to decipher your prospective partners character will lead you to a better understanding of who they really are.
Examples of traits that you need to be observant of include, piety, integrity, humility, simplicity, fairness, modesty, love, courage and a sense of justice.
Understanding key character traits will tell you so much more then simply a focus on shy, extrovert, introvert.
Following these 3 simple rules when searching for your soul-mate will inshallah enable you to make a wiser and more informed choice about who to marry.
To help you along this path Mohabba has produced a 38 page Guide called “The essential guide for single Muslims who are looking to find a soul-mate” This is the most comprehensive list ever produced that caters specifically for single Muslims.
This guide you will allow you to:
Discover 100+ questions to ask your prospective partner before you decide to marry them. Discover the importance of Self-Reflection. Gain a sense of clarity regarding what type of person you are most compatible with. Gain focus on developing a balanced approach to life and marriage.
This essential guide is a must for all Muslims who are looking to get married. Its FREE to download. Download your free copy HERE.